{"id":4043,"date":"2013-12-16T06:30:58","date_gmt":"2013-12-16T11:30:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/spookymoon.com\/wp\/?p=4043"},"modified":"2015-08-03T09:30:52","modified_gmt":"2015-08-03T13:30:52","slug":"secret-santa-can-suck-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/spookymoon.com\/wp\/?p=4043","title":{"rendered":"Secret Santa Can Suck It"},"content":{"rendered":"

This year, I am participating in Shadow Manor’s Secret Santa Can Suck It<\/a> virtual gift exchange. It’s a lovely tradition for which I never seem to be on time, so I was delighted to finally participate.<\/p>\n

My giftee is the inevitable Kathy White. Now, I know a Kathi<\/em><\/strong> White, and at first, I confused them, but I did realize that my target is, in fact, a complete stranger to me. I know nothing about this person, if, indeed, she exists, and isn’t a fevered hallucination of Jenna’s. That would be diabolical, wouldn’t it? She can’t fake all the names, but she could cleverly sneak a few in for extra booty. She also runs the Secret Pumpkin<\/a> gift exchange. I’ll have to watch out if she someday assigns me a “stranger.”<\/p>\n

I mean, really, “Kathy White?” She may as well have assigned me “John Smith.” She also mentioned that my assignee didn’t have a list of likes or dislikes. THAT WAS EXTRAORDINARILY LAZY, JENNA! If you’re going to make up a person, you could at least put in some of your likes and dislikes. Perhaps she thought that would tip the game? I can understand why she wouldn’t want to slip in some Hello Kitty to throw me off. Next thing you know, she’s getting this for Christmas:<\/p>\n

\"Well,<\/a>

Well, HellOOO Kitty!<\/p><\/div>\n

Okay then, we’ve determined that my giftee is likely fictional; nonetheless, I shall take this as seriously as I normally would, which is not seriously at all. Perhaps there really is a Kathy. It could happen. There are plenty of perfectly real Kathies in the world. Hah, yeah right.<\/p>\n

So, on to my gift. When I don’t know someone, I usually get them either fuzzy holiday socks, or a Starbucks gift card. But I have no limits here, so I shall default to the strategy of the truly terrible gifter: giving that which I want to receive.<\/p>\n

Congratulations, “Kathy,” you get a GOTH BATHROOM MAKEOVER!\u00a0 Hope you have plenty of room, because I thought we’d start with something like this:<\/p>\n

\"gothic<\/a>

Small bathrooms lack drama<\/p><\/div>\n

This has just the right balance of dreariness and filtered light through stained glass. I’m sure “Kathy” won’t mind if we take out a few walls. It’s worth it for the ultimate bathroom!\u00a0 Now let’s put a tub right in front of the fireplace. I like this one:<\/p>\n

\"tub\"<\/a>

Imagine this big enough to drown in<\/p><\/div>\n

It’s a bit shiny for our theme, so we might have to rough it up a little. Maybe drag it behind a truck.<\/p>\n

For a commode, we have this delightful number:<\/p>\n

\"toilet\"<\/a>

There’s a small automatic flame under the back of the seat so you can “breath fire”<\/p><\/div>\n

The lid is nice, but I disapprove strongly of the rest. Black from foot to lid, I say. And a matching bog roll dispenser:<\/p>\n

\"Yes,<\/a>

Yes, that’s actually a paper towel dispenser. I like big butts and I cannot lie.<\/p><\/div>\n

For a vanity, this should do:<\/p>\n

\"sink\"<\/a><\/p>\n

And hang this behind it, to tie in with the toilet:<\/p>\n

\"Dragon,<\/a>

Where do you get dragon milk? SHORT COWS.<\/p><\/div>\n

That is my gift to you, “Kathy,” and may it bring you joy this holiday season.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This year, I am participating in Shadow Manor’s Secret Santa Can Suck It virtual gift exchange. It’s a lovely tradition for which I never seem to be on time, so I was delighted to finally participate. My giftee is the inevitable Kathy White. Now, I know a Kathi White, and at first, I confused them, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[34],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4043","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-unboxable"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/spookymoon.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4043","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/spookymoon.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/spookymoon.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spookymoon.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spookymoon.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4043"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/spookymoon.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4043\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4053,"href":"https:\/\/spookymoon.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4043\/revisions\/4053"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/spookymoon.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4043"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spookymoon.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4043"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/spookymoon.com\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4043"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}